Monday, April 20, 2015

Onward and Forward...again.

 It has been a while since my fingers have hit the keyboard. Not that I have not thought about writing. But "Life" has a way of creeping in, right? Boy has it! However I will spare you the boring details. Let's just chalk it up to Life and move on! Yep! Onward and Forward!

You may be wondering if I have been able to release my "True Goddess" from my "Human." Well, let me just say we are no longer at World War 3 level, but we still have a way to go before they can be pals. But they are working towards a common ground. (sigh) The last few months I have really had some time to reflect. What is it that stops me? What are my demons? We all have them, (insert Human) but for me, what is it?
It all boils done to HABIT and LAZINESS, how about we abbreviate it "H & L." Because I can guarantee that this demon will raise it's wicked head again. Hey, I am a realist!

There is that saying regarding Habit, what is it? Doing something for so many days...I don't know. Well for me my problem is for 40 plus (cough) I have continued in a very crazy game. In my youth, Ha! I never had a problem with health/weight, if anything I was probably too thin. Oh, memories. Anyway, my health turned after my first child almost 16 years ago. Since then I really blamed my weight on having children.Oh. look another of my demons; EXCUSES! We can abbreviate them as: "E's" Granted there are physiological changes when you have kids, age, and genetics play a part too.But let's get honest, it was MY unhealthy H & L and E's that have brought me to where I am today. I know I am not the only one out there. We are human.  I realize that I  have a dance that I do. Let me explain.

My Dance of H & L and E's:

(You are in my head now, I know scary, but it will only take in minute, I promise!)

"Geez, look at that fat roll? It is like it has it's own world, shoot, it's own universe.  What the hell? ugh, are you kidding me? Oh, man I am looking old! Nice now I have a chin hair, seriously? What is up with the puffy eyes? Did I just piddle my pants when I sneezed? Why am I so freaking tired? What is up? Gosh, I look so unhealthy, what happened? That is it! Enough! This is it, I am going to do this, I am going to lose weight, and get healthy. I hate this. O.k, tomorrow I start eating clean, and exercising. Yep, going to pitch all the crap in the house, oh, wait the kids and hubby are not going to get on board with that, sigh, screw it, I will just not eat it. I will do my own thing. I got this." (self loathing, not good not good at all!)

The next day and a few weeks in:
"I did it, ate awesome, walked, feeling pretty awesome, this is it! I am going to do it! I am rocking this, I love my new____________ (insert new gym, fitness class, fitness video, fitness tool) I feel so good, so proud of myself. You are so awesome.looking good girl!" (self love, very good, very good indeed!)

"Wait, what? So and So, and such and such, just did__________, (insert any possible problem) Man, I am so busy today, I will just work out tomorrow, ugh, I am tired today, It is the holidays! I am so stressed out, Oh, look, chips! Well I did "o.k. today with eating, well except I only ate twice today since I was so busy and it was chips, cheese and an apple, at least dinner will be good! It is 10 p.m. and I am hungry, oh, I will make some nachos, oh, honey you bought me some ice cream, you are so good to me. (proceed to eat three servings) Dang it! I don't want to go to Dance Fit, that's o.k. it has been a stressful day, or I don't feel good, my period is coming, I need chocolate and peanut butter. I have Insulin Resistance, (side note: which is true, but due to this dance! continue...) I don't care anymore, I am what I am. Wait did I eat today? I better get back on it...

and the dance continues true to it's unhealthy cyclic form...

See? Scary. But it is my dance. Sometimes my falling off the healthy wagon isn't always a conscious thing anymore. I have danced it so long, it just is.

At this point I think the only way to stop it is to just be uber mindful of it. To really get honest and then accept it.To simple you say? Maybe, Maybe not, time will tell. But what do I have to lose? Since I am obviously an all or nothing kind of gal, I am shifting gears to allow myself to be o.k. to make a mistake, to not be so rough on myself. To try and remember not to stay in self-loathing mode. I even made post its to hang around my daily path to help keep mindful that I have a "dance."

Onward and Forward towards Health!